Roadkill is an alternative designer toy company. We’re creating collectible toys with a macabre twist. They’re not your usual toys, they’re anti-toys. If you’re into roadkill, then you’ll be into our products, because our products have all been run over. We call it Squash-plush.

Squash-plush is similar to standard plush, but it varies in one obvious way. It’s plush toys and teddies that have been squashed flat. Flat as a pancake. First there was Twitch the Raccoon, then there was Grind the Rabbit, then Splodge the Hedgehog, and now there’s a new cuddly carcass in town. Pop the Weasel.

Pop the Weasel is a bit different from his friends Twitch, Grind, and Splodge. He’s not Squash-plush. He’s a unique type of toy. A cutting edge designer toy. He’s a roadkill door wedge. Roadkill’s first foray into functional household paraphernalia. We’re putting the fun back into functional. Stop those creaking doors, with a groaning weasel.

Pop is made of toughened rubber. He has a bloodied eye that pops out whenever you jam the door on top of his battered body. The goggly eye is contained in a liquid sack, giving it quite a realistic, gory feel. It looks at you, as if to say “Take this damned door offa my back”. His cute little paws are stretched out in front of him, grasping at the ground. His tongue is lolling. And the back of his body is a bloody mess, creating a perfect wedge shape. On his underbelly is a grippy red material, giving his squished body enough friction to stop the door dead.

We think he’s funny, not freaky. The same way you’d laugh at a granny walking into a glass door with a tray of tea and biscuits. You know you shouldn’t, but you can’t stop yourself.

Unlike his other friends who come in hermetically sealed body bags, Pop comes in a made-to-measure coffin. The coffin is made of reinforced card, and it has a printed pine wood effect. On the lid beneath, there’s a plastic window, allowing you to make out the gory details inside. Blood oozes through the bottom of the coffin. And a plaque is screwed to the top, commemorating Pop’s illustrious life. Inside the crusty coffin, you’ll find a car bumper sticker, a toe tag, and a death certificate. This tells you all you need to know about the story of Pop’s sticky end.

Pop is a common-garden weasel, Mustela Nivalis Inferiora. Pop’s early life was shrouded in mystery. He was born somewhere near Levenshulme, Manchester. He spent his early life in various orphanages and borstals. Finally he met his unfortunate end at the wheels of a sky-blue Robin Reliant, just outside Scunthorpe.

We’re launching Pop the Weasel with 500 limited edition toys. Each one will have a special toe tag handwritten by the designer. Each one will have a limited edition number on the tag. Each one will be different. Some are flattened on the M25, some on the B43. Some are squished by combine harvesters, and some by kebab vans. Only the first 500 have these, so don’t hang around slouching in your salopettes. (And you better buy one, because the poor designer now has Repetitive Strain Injury and has to pay his medical bills).

Pop, and his buddies Twitch, Grind, and Splodge are merely the tip of a bloodied iceberg. The first four designer toys in a macabre collection. We will be introducing some of their unfortunate friends later on. Each one will come with a body bag, death certificate, bumper sticker and toe tag.

There’ll be Fender the Fox. He’s going to be a nodding dog for the back of your car. Splodge the Hedgehog reincarnated in the form of a mousemat (we’re calling it Mousesplat). You run the mouse over the flattened, bloody mess of his middle. Then there’s Smudge the Squirrel. He’s a hot water bottle, with an elegant tyre track motif. There’s Puddle the Vole. He’s a squashed flat doormat.

So have a look around our designer toy boutique. But leave your bleeding hearts outside.