Roadkill is a novel designer toy company. We’re creating collectible toys with a macabre twist. They’re not your usual toys, they’re anti-toys. If you’re into roadkill, then you’ll be into our products, because our products have all been run over. First there was Twitch the Raccoon, then there was Grind the Rabbit, then Splodge the Hedgehog, then Pop the Weasel. Now it’s Smudge the Squirrel’s turn to take his place in the headlights.

Smudge the Squirrel is a unique type of toy. A cutting edge designer toy. It’s called Squash-plush. Squash-plush is similar to standard plush. But it varies in one obvious way. It’s plush toys and teddies that have been squashed flat. Flat as a Dutch Master’s landscape.  

Smudge is made of cute teddy materials like fur and stuffing. But that’s where the cuteness ends. He lies in a pool of his own eviscera. Organs, cracked ribs, intestines, blood - all of them are stuffed. And we’ve used a new type of stuffing that squidges out when you squeeze it. We think it gives a more realistic effect. On his underbelly there is an embroidered blood splat, and streaked across his cuddly back there’s a tyre print.

And Smudge doesn’t just lie there like your average roadkill. He’s an interactive toy. You can take the blood and guts in and out. They’re sealed into the carcass by a zip on his back. Just unzip and let the blood and gore ooze out.

We think he’s funny, not freaky. He’s more like a cartoon. His tongue is jutting out, his eyes are bulging and bloodshot, his head is twisted back, his little claws are clasping at thin air. He’s been captured in the moment of death. The poor little blighter.

And like any self-respecting roadkill, Smudge comes in a body bag. This keeps him fresh and maggot-free. It’s made of a transluscent plastic, so you can make out the macabre details inside. And attached to his twitching paw is an identity tag, telling you all you need to know about the story of Smudge’s sticky end. 

Smudge is a red squirrel, Sciurus Vulgaris. One of life’s noble losers. He lost the battle of the woods and forests to his cannier cousin, the grey squirrel. And now he’s losing the battle of the roads and dual carriageways. He was born in Swinbrook, Oxon, in an abandoned Reebok trainer. His parents were Xerxes and Edna Squirrel. In his early life he carried out sterling work for the Forestry Commission, where he helped save one of the oldest Weeping Willows in Surrey. In recent times he turned his skills to collecting, and has one of the largest collections of Brazil nuts in Europe. Smudge will be sorely missed by his next of kin, Skid the Badger. Smudge met his untimely end squished under the wheels of a landing B52 bomber in Brize Norton air base.

We’re launching Smudge the Squirrel with 100 limited edition characters. Each one will have a special toe tag handwritten by the designer. Each one will have a limited edition number on the tag. Each one will be different. Some are flattened on the M1, some on the B326. Some are squished by muck-spreaders, and some by funeral hearses. Only the first 100 have these, so don’t hang around sitting on your bean bags. (And you better buy one, because the poor designer now has Repetitive Strain Injury and has to pay his medical bills).

They also come with blood-soaked Death Certificates and Bumper Stickers proclaiming ‘I love Roadkill’. Stick it on your Buick or your Bentley. You love roadkill, and you’re proud of it.

Smudge, and his morbid buddies Twitch, Grind, Splodge and Pop are merely the tip of a bloodied iceberg. The pioneers in a macabre collection of plush toys. We will be introducing more of Smudge’s unfortunate friends later on. Each one will come with a body bag, death certificate, bumper sticker and toe tag. We’ll soon be scraping off the tarmac Fender the Fox, Skid the Badger, Puddle the Vole - a charming car keyring with squidgy guts, and Splodge the Hedgehog - this time reincarnated as a mousemat (we’re calling it Mousesplat. You run the mouse over the flattened, bloody mess of his middle).

So have a look around our designer toy boutique. But leave your qualms, quibbles and quietudes outside.